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Old 04-18-2008, 10:52 PM   #1
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Default Pointless bad joke thread

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days the famous Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song. Today shares in Kamikaze Bank was suspended after they nose-dived and 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that customers may get a raw deal.

...ooOO00OOoo...

An engineering type of chap has come up with a gun for when someone is sneaking up on you from behind. It fires Backwards!!
And when you pull the trigger it goes gnab

...ooOO00OOoo...

A young man walks onto the stage of 'Stars in their Eyes', on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'

'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks Matthew.

'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his
body onto mine.

As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.'

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'

'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'
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Old 04-18-2008, 10:56 PM   #2
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A tough old cowboy from Missoula, Montana, counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be !!

...ooOO00OOoo...

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the skyclouded above his head and,in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because youhave TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can rideover anytime I want."

The Lord said, "That request is materialistic, think of the enormouschallenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concreteand steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it ishard for me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that couldpossibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wishthat I and all men could understand
our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking whenshe gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I canmake a woman truly happy ."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge??

...ooOO00OOoo...

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find myself a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."


They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Old 05-25-2008, 10:27 AM   #3
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how do you get pikachew onto a bus
you pokemon
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im on a dolfin doin flips and shit
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im on a boat motherfucker dont you ever forget
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Old 05-25-2008, 11:16 AM   #4
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And now we've crossed the line from bad to weapons grade awful.

Landlord seeks new longterm tenant to immediately occupy recently vacated apartment. Tenant would preferably be female, student and non-smoking. Basement apartment, 2 bedrooms, bathroom and economy kitchen. 650 sq ft. Room for the whole family.

Special Features: Noise proof so you don't have to hear those pesky neighbors, and secure entrance w/ keycode. Furnished.

Rent is $600, willing to negotiate for the right tenant.

Please Contact J. Fritzl, Austria.
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Old 05-30-2008, 04:54 AM   #5
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Angry Liu Yifei

Liu Yifei(August 25, 1987 -), actor. English name Crystal Liuyifei, was born in Wuhan, China, a child of dance, from childhood to display art. Childhood in Wuhan University in Wuhan players for the professor's father and the mother of dancers at the national level through Liu Xiaoli. 1997 10-year-old Liu Yifei from Wuhan City Jiangan district Poyang Street primary school drop-out, to the United States to study. 14-year-old home moviesPerformance of taken by Beijing, 18-year-old graduate. Masterpieces of the current "Tianlongbabu" "Shendiaoxialv" "Xianjianqixia Biography" "Jinfenshijia" "May Love"
 
Old 05-30-2008, 05:32 AM   #6
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i dont get it...
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Old 05-30-2008, 06:11 AM   #7
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Old 05-30-2008, 09:04 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Haight View Post
And now we've crossed the line from bad to weapons grade awful.

Landlord seeks new longterm tenant to immediately occupy recently vacated apartment. Tenant would preferably be female, student and non-smoking. Basement apartment, 2 bedrooms, bathroom and economy kitchen. 650 sq ft. Room for the whole family.

Special Features: Noise proof so you don't have to hear those pesky neighbors, and secure entrance w/ keycode. Furnished.

Rent is $600, willing to negotiate for the right tenant.

Please Contact J. Fritzl, Austria.
I think you meant AustrALia.
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most of the women i root when im drunk look like videogame charicters. there all miss pac man, round with big fucking mouths
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Old 05-30-2008, 12:06 PM   #9
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Wasnt that dude Austrian?
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=559998

Or are you being sarcastic, i normally cant tell the difference online
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Old 05-30-2008, 12:24 PM   #10
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Heard an awesome joke today. It really needs to be told in person, but it's too good not to share.




Why are there so many paedophiles in the world?


All those sexy kids.
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