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O'Neill
Spam King since 1983.

Registered: Mar 2002
Location: Edinburgh,UK
Posts: 1687

O'Neills thread of crap email jokes.

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.



At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly
deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.




One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.



During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications.
"Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one
every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him
quickly
undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over
fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old
patch
before applying a new one.



While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."



I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get
used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and
the woman
produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."



A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a varietyof tattoos, and
wearing
strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had
acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic
hair
had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off
the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's
dressing, which said "Sorry,had to mow the lawn."

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Old Post 10-03-2002 10:52 AM
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Kaijyu
Num Num, Birdy Num Num!!!

Registered: Aug 2002
Location: Northern Hemisphere
Posts: 206

Sorry. It looked too long, so I didn't read it!

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Create the illusion, until the illusion becomes reality!

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Old Post 10-03-2002 12:24 PM
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Lucyace
For cryin' out loud!

Registered: May 2002
Location: UK
Posts: 586

LOL, I did... some were funny some....weren't.

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MSN: [email protected]
Add me!!

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Old Post 10-03-2002 03:35 PM
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Hathor
Girls rule, boys drool...

Registered: Jun 2002
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 189

How to keep a healthy level of insanity.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
!
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."


***

I have to do 12 sometime before I die.

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collective

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Old Post 10-03-2002 06:18 PM
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Isobel
Member

Registered: Oct 2002
Location: Hebden Bridge, England
Posts: 30

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To put out forest fires.

Why do Elephants have flat feet?

To put out burning ducks.

My favourite joke. Im new here btw....so,,er hello!

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Old Post 10-03-2002 09:22 PM
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chameleon
Negotiator of Chaos

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: GROJ1655-40
Posts: 3452

Hello hello hello hello hello..........and i'll be quite now.

GDI i can't get into my email.....so i can't post any of the crap that my friends send me......oh the pain the pain...

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Old Post 10-04-2002 01:40 AM
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Jaffa, Kree!
Moderator

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 2928

You know you're living in the 02's when:

1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to
get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

11. You can only write on 'sticky pads'.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your
best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries
annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience,
terminate the interview when
told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the
latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your
department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management
consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"friends".

Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

*****


Question:
If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."-Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."-Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."-Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"-George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein,"-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."-Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."-Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Old Post 10-04-2002 01:58 AM
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MajorSam
The Bad Girl

Registered: Jul 2002
Location: Othala
Posts: 1078

ok, i'm probaly just dumb, but i think that most of those are hilarious, JK!!! i think they're funny. all my friends are immature, and send my dumb gross things that they think are funny... i just delete most of my e-mails b4 i even read them.

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Closest Alli: Sam Fan
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HRADP!!!

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Old Post 10-04-2002 02:12 AM
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chameleon
Negotiator of Chaos

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: GROJ1655-40
Posts: 3452

I know just how you feel......I have this one friend and my nicname for her is miss jokes.....See send's me theseemails that most i delet and if i'm really bored pray that my delete box hasn't been emptied and read her emails. Some are funny.....The rest are just plain sad.

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Old Post 10-04-2002 02:14 AM
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Queen Lou
I'm singing in the rain..

Registered: May 2002
Location: Fishing
Posts: 452

A teacher was talking to her class about an upcomming test, "tomorrow you will all be doing the exam, no excuses except if you are on your death bed". One smart ass boy put up his hand and asked "what if you are suffering from a profound case of sexual exhaustion". The teacher promptly replied "well then you'll just have to write with your other hand".

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*waves* hi any real sg people out there, and AT

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Old Post 10-08-2002 07:48 AM
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AbydonianSky
You!! Off my planet!!

Registered: Sep 2002
Location: Round the twist.
Posts: 78

Talking

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Kenny

Dear Kenny,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
*************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the poops and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-butt? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and a nice Cuban cigar.
Santa
*************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please, please, PLEASE.
Jimmy

Jimmy,
That whiney-begging stuff may work with your folks, but that crud doesn't work up here.
You're getting another sweater.
Santa
*************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses rear-ends, and losing all my cash at the craps table.
Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
*************
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Ivben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you
a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger; at
least HE can spell!
Santa
*************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
*************
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my frigging mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of
these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game.
Let me get you something more your speed, like 'Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
*************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some GI Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who the f*** names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
*************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house.
Santa
*************
Dear Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your butt whipped at school.
Secondly, you don't live in a house. That's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa

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Old Post 10-08-2002 10:07 PM
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Tula
Gypsy

Registered: Mar 2002
Location: London
Posts: 237

My fav crap joke
*

2 elephants fall off a cliff

BOOM, BOOM





A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


De'ja Moo - heard that bullshit before

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Jack: "Wild horses Teal'c"

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Old Post 10-09-2002 02:18 PM
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Venus
Status: Freezing cold

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: England Elvenname: Ainari?l Telr?nya
Posts: 6157

21 Ways To Annoy People

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper,99 copies.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Name your dog "Dog".

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Old Post 10-09-2002 04:23 PM
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president doc
Moderator

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: London.
Posts: 6137

1 Way to annoy people:


1.Tell jokes that have been repeated a squillion times.

2.Kill them.

3.Not being able to count.

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Old Post 10-09-2002 05:03 PM
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AbydonianSky
You!! Off my planet!!

Registered: Sep 2002
Location: Round the twist.
Posts: 78

More ways to annoy people.


  1. Find out when your friends' favorite TV program is on. Then ring them seven minutes after it starts

  2. Write a list and leave a space blank
  3. Learn to snore
  4. When you ask a woman a question, suggest she checks with her husband before answering. note this is even more annoying if you are also a woman.
  5. Always be late.
  6. Put empty milk cartons back in the fridge
  7. Go to the cinema. Sit near other people. Hold a conversation with a friend.
  8. Replace your bulbs with overhead neon-strip lights. If you can get ones that flicker.

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Old Post 10-09-2002 10:02 PM
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