Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Tara, land of dreams
Panto 3: Little Red Baseball Cap
Title: Little Red Baseball Cap.
Author: Skip, with the usual assist from Carrie.
Email: [email protected]
Sequel: Part of Panto Fics. Sequel to Dotor Who? Prequel to Goldilocks.
Summary: Uh? This is part of the Panto Fic series proper. Need I say more? Notes: Yeah yeah I know Blame the archiving on Gemmie I was happy to let it gather dust for another year.
Disclaimer: That?s it I?m fed up of this I AM taking Jack!
Little Red Baseball Cap.
Narrator: Once Upon A Time there was a little girl who wore a red baseball cap.
Sam: Um, Daniel, for some reason Jack was cast as Red.
Daniel: Well, I?m not sure, but I think the author enjoys dressing you up as a girl and having Sam save you.
Jack: Ooookkayyy. This is weird.
Narrator: So there was this little boy called Red. He was a good little boy.
Daniel: Um, nothing.
Narrator: One day his mother gave him a basket of MREs for his Granny and he agreed to take them, even though the way to Granny?s house was through a dense forest.
Jack: Sure, I?m not gonna nick any. How come we don?t see my mom?
Daniel: We couldn?t find anybody old enough.
Daniel: OK, Janet has to keep an eye on Cassie. She wanted to watch our production, but we didn?t trust your tongue.
Jack: Hey! I can mind my language!
Jack: Stay outta this!
Daniel: Order please!
Jack (mouthing): Order please?!
Narrator: Arms loaded with chicken flavoured MREs, Red skipped away through the wood.
Jack: Daniel? Skipping? Do I look like the skipping type?
Sam: Well, actually?
Jack (screaming): I DO NOT SKIP!
Teal?c: Actually O?Neill, it is good exercise.
Daniel: Fine. Whatever, Jack. I?ll improvise okay?
Narrator: Ol?, cranky, spoiled Red grumbled his way across the darkening forest. He was concentrating mightily on NOT skipping and it came as a great surprise to him when he bumped into a woodland creature. A very large, intimidating wolf, to be exact.
Wolf: Greetings, small human boy.
Jack: Teal?c, you DO know nobody can see you, right? The costume really wasn?t necessary.
Teal?c: Is it not our responsibility as providers of entertainment to portray our roles with accuracy, O?Neill? I did not wish to detract from the effectiveness of my role.
Wolf: May I enquire as to where you are going?
Red: Uh, sure. I?m going to Granny?s to give her some MREs. She?s been a little under the weather. Can you tell me the way? I appear to be lost and it is nearing night time.
Jack: Danny! I never get lost!
Daniel: Well there was the time when?
Red: OK, so where do I go?
Narrator: The wolf saw his opportunity for fine dining that evening. He, however, was a very light-hearted wolf and thought he would have fun with the dim-witted boy and direct him on the longest route possible.
Jack: Daniel! Damn it. I am NOT dim-witted! Knock it off before I smack you!
Daniel: I am narrator. My word is lore. That?ll teach you to whine about the skipping.
Wolf: The way is quite simple. You follow this path for?
5 minutes later
Daniel: Jack! Wake up!
Jack: Whu? Oh, right.
Narrator: The wolf left Red after giving the directions, and Red was on his way, not privy to the wolf?s ulterior motives. The wolf, meanwhile, had taken a much more direct path to Granny?s house and gobbled her up in one gulp.
Narrator: First course done, the wolf ransacked Granny?s closet and put on one of her nightgowns.
Teal?c: What is it that you find amusing, Daniel Jackson?
Daniel, between snorts of laughter: Do you really have to ask?! Sam, a little help?
Sam: Did you have to wear the apron, floral dress, blue rinse wig and curlers, Teal?c?
Teal?c: As I stated before, it adds to the believability of my character.
Daniel: Yeah, it does! Never mind.
Narrator: Red finally makes it to Granny?s house, after stopping on several occasions to gawk at shiny objects, no doubt.
Jack (threatening): Daniel!
Daniel: Stars, Jack, stars! Geez.
Red: Hello Granny! I brought lovely Macaroni and Dumplings to help you feel better!
Wolf: Greetings, Grandson.
Red: Oh Granny, what a deep voice you have.
Wolf: All the better to greet you with, my dear.
Red: Oh Granny, what big hands you have.
Wolf: All the better to meet you with, my dear.
Red: Oh Granny, what a weird walking stick you have- sheesh!
Sam: Hey, I thought this was a kid?s story! That?s obscene!
Jack: Carter! You?re sick!
Daniel: Huh? What are you talking about?
Teal?c: If I am correct, Daniel Jackson, Major Carter is implying that?.
Daniel (red faced): That is sick. Let?s do it over.
Red: Oh Granny, what an unusual broom you have.
Daniel: Not much.
Wolf: All the better to beat you with, my dear.
Narrator: The wolf leapt out of the bed and began to chase Red around the room. Red screamed and ran.
Jack: Aaarrgh! Help! Teal?c is chasing me with his staff weapon!
Sam: This is sooo funny!
Daniel: Yes, this is a Kodak moment, Teal?c in drag chasing Jack wearing a red cap!
Jack: This is not funny! A little help would be appreciated!
Daniel: Oh, like you helped us when Apophis the Master was going to suck out my brains in Dr. Who?
Jack: Well I did! Even though you spoilt it?
Sam: Well, he did.
Daniel: Fine. Still cut it a little close.
Narrator: Just when it looks like Red is doomed, a woodcutter happens to walk by Granny?s house. Hearing the ruckus, she enters to save the day.
Sam: No lumberjack jokes.
Daniel: I think that?s the next song Jack?s doing.
Sam: Actually, I?ll save you if you sing it.
Narrator: The trusty woodcutter assesses the situation, makes a snap decision to risk injuring Red in order to save him.
Woodcutter: Wolf! You will stop chasing that boy now or suffer my wrath!
Sam: 'Suffer my wrath'? was this written for Teal'c?!
Wolf: Eh? Forget you!
Narrator: Before she can stop him, the wolf devours Red.
Red: Ow! (Muffled) Arrggghhh!!!
Woodcutter: Very well. I warned you!
Narrator: The woodcutter swings her mighty axe?
Sam: I think I would be smarter than that, I mean, the wolf has teeth!
Daniel: So what do you want to do?
Sam: Something sciency and clever.
Daniel: OK. How?s this?
Narrator: The woodcutter stays away from the wolf?s big teeth and swings her mighty axe into the doorjamb. The doorjamb swings down and cracks the wolf?s head wide open. She sees its stomach moving and realizes that Red is still alive. She uses her axe to split open its stomach. Out pops Red, and Granny too.
Jack: Ew, that is sick. Inside his stomach? Eh, pass the bucket.
Teal?c: I am relieved that ordeal is over.
Narrator: So they all live happily ever after?
Daniel: And so do we, with the image of Jack running from a grannified Teal?c and looking forward to his rendition of the LumberJack song.
Sam: He?s having a heart attack! You pushed him too far!
Jack: I?m?. gonna? kill?you!!!!! $*@#~?&*^%$??
Daniel: I told you his language couldn?t be trusted.
Jack: Damn you! Next time I narrate!
Sam: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Daniel: I am.
STAY TUNED FOR THE SEQUEL
SKIP'S FIC! New WIP Archive, made by little old me!My Livejournal- warning, not G rated.
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