Registered: Apr 2002
SG-1's Guide to Life, the Galaxy and All That Kind of Stuff...
Uhh... just a little piece of insanity. Probably more to come once I get the time to write...
1. When in doubt, blow it to hell.
2. There are many differences between the Goa?uld and the Tok?ra ? it?s just that ninety-nine per cent of the time they?re incredibly difficult to point out.
3. Do not drink the water on an alien planet as it is probably sentient ? ditto for flying Christmas tree lights, Lego Technic spiders, funny blue crystals and weird-looking orb thingies.
4. Jaffa should not be referred to as ?badge-heads?.
5. The geek always gets the girl.
6. If the girl is not a homicidal maniac she probably is or will be the host to a Goa?uld.
7. We Earthlings have very strong morals ? however, offer us a tiny bit of technology and we?ll throw all of them out the window.
8. Never underestimate he who lives in the forest and wears grass in his hair.
9. The very young do not always do as they?re told ? however, only SG-1 can get away without a court martial.
10. Americanisation is sweeping the galaxy at an alarming rate
12. ?Okay? is a universal word.
13. ?Kree? is a diverse word which may be used in practically every sentence, and generally is (at least among the Goa?uld).
14. It?s okay to kiss your 2IC, as long as you?re not caught in the act.
15. Never trust a scientist when he tells you the natives only want to be your friends.
16. It?s not a rock, it?s an artifact/sample/cool new piece of alien technology.
17. Never ask Sam why as she will answer with a stream of technobabble that will leave you baffled.
18. Never ask Daniel why as he will do likewise (only replace technobabble with any foreign language).
19. Never ask Jack why as he is probably asking the same question.
20. The Asgard are generally nice guys, full of cool technology and big promises, but when it comes to saving your ass they don?t want to know.
21. Things are only really bad when Sam?s hair gets messed up.
22. When all else fails, a) call the president, b) send a bomb, c) run like hell.
23. Don?t panic, or at least not until you?ve reached the end of the episode neither Sam nor Daniel has come up with a miracle solution.
24. Maybourne is an idiot every day of the week, however on the odd occasion that he takes a day off he can be pretty damn cool, not to mention handy for taking down the NID.
25. Eighty-five per cent of the time, the natives are in trouble and you are obliged to help out, seeing as it?s you?re fault they?re in the mess in the first place.
26. Ten per cent of the time, the natives are not very nice and take you hostage.
27. For the other five per cent of the time the natives are already dead, and you are left to deal with some deadly legacy or another.
28. The truth is out there?
29. ?in X-Files crossover fanfics, at least.
30. However much he looks like one, Thor is most certainly not a giant dim sim.
31. Don?t worry if you?re having little luck in gaining new technology ? it?s when you meet a people who are actually willing to share their knowledge that you should be concerned.
32. The Asgard may be a higher form of intelligence, but when it comes to sarcasm they?re either too wise to respond, or totally ignorant.
33. A picture is worth a thousand words ? or, in Teal?c?s case, an eyebrow.
34. The Tollan have incredibly advanced ion cannons and weapon-disabling technology ? hell, they?ve even built their own Stargate ? but they still don?t have cable TV.
35. When it comes to negotiations, make sure Colonel O?Neill is nowhere within a five mile radius.
36. The Goa?uld are evil as they deceive humans and establish themselves as gods, generally in more primitive societies ? just don?t ask what that makes the Asgard.
37. Ascension may sound like a cool idea, but once you?ve been turned into a crappy glowy special effect you?ll probably have second thoughts.
I'm past paranoia, I'm up to quadrunoia - and that's four times as bad!
Last edited by Tok'ra Gal on 12-12-2002 at 02:40 AM
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