dr.taz
Apple Sauce Bitch!
Registered: Sep 2002
Location: Camped out in front of the telly
Posts: 747 |
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Christmas with Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to
make his dream come true I put on sunglasses and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to
go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated
store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, ?What does this do?? ?You're kidding me!? ?Who
would buy that?? Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for ?Lovable Louise?. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise a ?doll? took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the
wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I
went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my
brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a
present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She
would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We
all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
?What the hell is that?? she asked. My brother quickly explained, ?It's
a doll.? ?Who would play with something like that?? Granny snapped. I
had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. ?Where are her
clothes?? Granny continued. ?Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,?
Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was
relentless. ?Why doesn't she have any teeth?? Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It's Christmas and who wants to ride in the
back of the ambulance saying, ?Hang on Granny, Hang on!? My grandfather,
a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ?
Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?? I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made
a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I
passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room,
fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw
down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise
went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still
calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
TIRED
Yes, I'm tired.
For several years I've been blaming it on middle-age, iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, underarm odour, yellow wax build-up, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.
But now I find out it ain't that I'm tired it's because I'm overworked.
The population of the US is 200 million. Eighty-four million are retired. That leaves 116 million to do the work. There are 75 million in school, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
Of this total, there are 22 million employed by the government. That leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the armed forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for the state and city governments and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just 2 people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired!
ok, i'm done. I'm sorry, i collect a lot of jokes
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