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dr.taz
Apple Sauce Bitch!

Registered: Sep 2002
Location: Camped out in front of the telly
Posts: 747

yes missile, you did post that before

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. The fighter pilots contend that their aeroplanes were better because of their superior speed, manoeuvrability, weaponry, and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules' deficiencies in these areas.
After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."
Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.
"Just watch," comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continue to fly straight and level...
After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, "There! How was that?"
The fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, and got a cup of coffee."



There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."



QUESTIONS POSED TO THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE (PART 1 OF 2)
*Everglades National Park:*
Are the alligators real?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?
*Mesa Verde National Park:*
Did people build this, or did indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
*Carlsbad Caverns National Park:*
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
QUESTIONS POSED TO THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE (PART 2 OF 2)
*Yosemite National Park:*
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
*Denali National Park:*
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
*Yellowstone National Park:*
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?




this one, i love:
Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me....I again lost my presence of mind....

I let go of the rope.................



Some interesting pranks you can pull on your friends...

LOST KEYS: Get a hold of some old useless keys (car, house,etc.). Place
victim's name, phone number and $50.00 reward... if found and returned.
Drop the keys in one of the less desirable areas of town.

GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local
newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address
of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile,
antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. Come early!

X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap
it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the
victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray
machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil
and will be unwrapped-inspected by airport security officials. This
one will make your sides hurt from laughter, if present during the
inspection. I like this prank for both male and female victims.

PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message,
victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of
several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will
receive many eye popping inquiries.

DOGS: Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning
(2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent whistle and the
dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and
disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back
to bed repeat the process again.

TAG ALONG ROAD KILL - Find a dead dog or cat along side a road.
Take a 12 foot long rope, tie one end around the animal and the
other end around the back axle of the victims automobile. Balance
the dog or cat on the back axle of the automobile. As the victim
drives, the animal will drop off the axle and will be dragged about 8
foot behind the automobile horrifying fellow motorists. This one kills
me!

ANIMAL POO-POO - With plastic gloves on find some animal poo- poo and
place it under the door handles of the victim's automobile.
The end result is a sticky situation.

NOISEY APARTMENT NEIGHBORS - Place a clock radio or portable stereo in a
large cardboard box. Place open end of box next to the wall adjoining
the victim's apartment. Tune the radio to whatever obnoxious station
you choose. Turn-on when you are away and turn-off when you return
home.

BOWEL CONTROL PROBLEMS - Place a Baby Ruth candy bar next to victim
while they are in bed asleep. Body heat will melt the chocolate to the
point that when the victim awakes they will think they had an
embarrassing accident. This is a great, brother-sister or college dorm
prank.

FAX MACHNES - Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by
11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's
fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two
has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page
9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until
the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable
your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller
I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who
has somehow cheated you.

__________________

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Old Post 11-19-2002 09:58 PM
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dr.taz
Apple Sauce Bitch!

Registered: Sep 2002
Location: Camped out in front of the telly
Posts: 747

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.



Christmas with Louise


As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to
make his dream come true I put on sunglasses and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to
go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated
store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, ?What does this do?? ?You're kidding me!? ?Who
would buy that?? Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for ?Lovable Louise?. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise a ?doll? took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the
wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I
went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my
brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a
present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She
would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We
all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
?What the hell is that?? she asked. My brother quickly explained, ?It's
a doll.? ?Who would play with something like that?? Granny snapped. I
had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. ?Where are her
clothes?? Granny continued. ?Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,?
Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was
relentless. ?Why doesn't she have any teeth?? Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It's Christmas and who wants to ride in the
back of the ambulance saying, ?Hang on Granny, Hang on!? My grandfather,
a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ?
Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?? I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made
a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I
passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room,
fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw
down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise
went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still
calls her whenever he can get out of the house.


TIRED
Yes, I'm tired.
For several years I've been blaming it on middle-age, iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, underarm odour, yellow wax build-up, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.
But now I find out it ain't that I'm tired it's because I'm overworked.
The population of the US is 200 million. Eighty-four million are retired. That leaves 116 million to do the work. There are 75 million in school, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
Of this total, there are 22 million employed by the government. That leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the armed forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for the state and city governments and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just 2 people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired!


ok, i'm done. I'm sorry, i collect a lot of jokes

__________________

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Old Post 11-19-2002 10:00 PM
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Rhydderch Hael
The Radiation King

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: On station at a distant underground nuclear missile silo...
Posts: 1816

A man is playing golf and on the ninth hole of the course. He can't decide what club to use because he's a bad golfer. As he's standing there wondering, a frog hops out of the water hazard and up to his tee. "Ribbit, nine iron, ribbit," the frog says.

The man looks at him strangely, but figures what-the-hell and uses a nine-iron. He hits a hole-in-one. He exclaims over it for a minute then moves on to the next hole. The frog follows him, and at the next hole intones, "Ribbit. Three wood. Ribbit." The man finds this odd, but uses a three wood, and AGAIN! a hole-in-one.

This happens on every hole left on the golf course. The frog proposes, the man disposes, and he ends his golf game with the best score ever at the club. Convinced there's something strange about this frog, he picks it up and carries it with him to the clubhouse. There he's enjoying a drink and the frog is sitting in a saucer of water. He says, "Thanks for the advice, frog. You really helped me out. Any idea what we should do now?"

"Ribbit. Go to Vegas. Ribbit."

So off they go, all the way to Vegas. When they get there the frog says, "Ribbit, Mirage Hotel and Casino, Ribbit." When they get there, the frog says, "Ribbit, roulette, ribbit." And when they get there, the frog says, "Ribbit, red 7, ribbit." The man puts his money on red 7 and wins! And this continues all throughout the night, the frog proposing, the man disposing, until finally some leg-breakers show up and "suggest" that the man stop gambling and take advantage of a complimentary room.

So the man goes upstairs, flush with winning, carrying his frog. When they get there he puts the frog in the tub and runs a little cool water, sits down on the toilet seat and marvels at the frog. He says, "Frog, you've done so much for me today, is there anything I can do for you?"

"Ribbit. Kiss me. Ribbit."

So he does, and lo and behold if that frog doesn't turn into a naked fifteen year-old girl. And THAT, your Honor, is how that naked fifteen year-old girl got into my hotel room, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton!

__________________

Dogs rock. Shut up.

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Old Post 11-21-2002 04:59 AM
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O'Neill
Spam King since 1983.

Registered: Mar 2002
Location: Edinburgh,UK
Posts: 1687

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to
Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

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Old Post 11-25-2002 10:45 AM
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O'Neill
Spam King since 1983.

Registered: Mar 2002
Location: Edinburgh,UK
Posts: 1687

A set of jump-leads walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
___________________________

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
-----------------------

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
-----------------------

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." -----------------------

-----------------------

----------------------

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

-------------------

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

-----------------------

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

-----------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

-----------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
-----------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
-----------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

-----------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
-----------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
-----------------
A man walks into the doctor's. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

-----------------------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

-----------------------

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
-----------------------

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
-----------------------

Two fish are in a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

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Old Post 11-25-2002 03:13 PM
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Kactus
Junior Member

Registered: Apr 2002
Location: Omnipresent
Posts: 15

God! I've read some corny stuff in my time, but this lot.......................

__________________
Kactus
Always to the point

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Old Post 11-26-2002 07:38 PM
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Kamakazi Casper
Baaaa. Down Sheeba.

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Out keeping the fish in the liffy well fed
Posts: 3588

Rofl, corny jokes are the bestest

__________________
Virginia was a lot lizard from F.L.A.
She had a compound fracture in the trunk
It started when she ran away, thumbs out on the interstate
She hitched a ride to misery

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Old Post 11-27-2002 11:58 AM
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keedo
Member

Registered: Nov 2002
Location: Nowra, NSW, Australia
Posts: 47

Taglines

Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!

Life in a vacuum sucks

You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

"Suicide Hotline...please hold."

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.

Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

Bumper stickers

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!

On the other hand...you have different fingers!

Keep honking, I am reloading!.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Famous last words

It's fireproof.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Sorry if this it a bit long.
if you go to www.bored.com there is a whole bunch of links, under good quotes there billions of quotes, bumper stickers etc...

__________________
"Living for the sake of living is a waste of oxygen" Bratac
"Alright next mother ship we keep" Col. O'Neill

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Old Post 11-27-2002 11:43 PM
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president doc
Moderator

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: London.
Posts: 6137

quote:
Originally posted by dr.taz
Christmas with Louise


As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to
make his dream come true I put on sunglasses and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to
go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated
store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, ?What does this do?? ?You're kidding me!? ?Who
would buy that?? Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for ?Lovable Louise?. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise a ?doll? took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the
wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I
went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my
brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a
present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She
would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We
all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
?What the hell is that?? she asked. My brother quickly explained, ?It's
a doll.? ?Who would play with something like that?? Granny snapped. I
had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. ?Where are her
clothes?? Granny continued. ?Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,?
Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was
relentless. ?Why doesn't she have any teeth?? Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It's Christmas and who wants to ride in the
back of the ambulance saying, ?Hang on Granny, Hang on!? My grandfather,
a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ?
Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?? I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made
a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I
passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room,
fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw
down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise
went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still
calls her whenever he can get out of the house.





This one wasnt just not funny, It removed my will to live, no, die even!

__________________
God, Ive become such a fatty

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Old Post 11-27-2002 11:55 PM
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Queen Lou
I'm singing in the rain..

Registered: May 2002
Location: Fishing
Posts: 452

15 things to do in Kmart!

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put
> > them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.


> >


> > 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.


> >


> > 3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.


> >


> > 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,


> > "I think we have a Code 3 in housewares," . . . and see what


happens.

> >


> > 5. Put M&M's on lay away.


> >


> > 6. Move 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' signs to carpeted areas.


> >


> > 7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only


invite


> > them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.


> >


> > 8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry


> > and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?


> >


> > 9. Look right into the security camera and use


> > it as a mirror while you pick your nose.


> >


> > 10.While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he


knows


> > where the antidepressants are.


> >


> > 11.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission


> > Impossible.


> >


> > 12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look, using


different


> > size funnels.


> >


> > 13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through


> > say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"


> >


> > 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the


fetal


> > position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."


> >


> >


> >15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud . .


> >


> > "Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

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Old Post 11-28-2002 07:27 AM
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missile
i said peanuts

Registered: Feb 2002
Location: Leeds, England
Posts: 277

Kmart is like ASDA right??

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Old Post 11-28-2002 12:02 PM
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Kamakazi Casper
Baaaa. Down Sheeba.

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Out keeping the fish in the liffy well fed
Posts: 3588

Pick up lines -

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

If I follow you home will you keep me?

Are you a Parking ticket because you got Fine writen all over you!

I'm not really this tall, I'm just sitting on my wallet!

Hi, I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

You look a bit down. Mind if I pick you up?

That outfit looks great on you. It would look even better rolled up in a ball on my bedroom floor.

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you instead?

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

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Virginia was a lot lizard from F.L.A.
She had a compound fracture in the trunk
It started when she ran away, thumbs out on the interstate
She hitched a ride to misery

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Old Post 11-28-2002 12:03 PM
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dr.taz
Apple Sauce Bitch!

Registered: Sep 2002
Location: Camped out in front of the telly
Posts: 747

quote:
Originally posted by president doc
This one wasnt just not funny, It removed my will to live, no, die even!


you better be joking i almost pissed myself when i read it



I was faced with a difficult decision recently and asked my friends what I should do. This is what I got...

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

A silent man is a wise one. A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Look before you leap. He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work. Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Actions speak louder than words. The pen is mightier than the sword.

Clothes make the man. Don't judge a book by its cover.

It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. The nail that sticks out gets hammered.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better safe than sorry.

Now what do I do???

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Last edited by dr.taz on 11-28-2002 at 02:44 PM

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Old Post 11-28-2002 02:37 PM
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Queen Lou
I'm singing in the rain..

Registered: May 2002
Location: Fishing
Posts: 452

quote:
Kmart is like ASDA right??


its a department store

__________________
I'd do it with Trek but I'd be thinking of Gate

*waves* hi any real sg people out there, and AT

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Old Post 11-29-2002 08:02 AM
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Charlie Carter
1/2 of the Teen Brigade!

Registered: Nov 2002
Location: Wherever your imagination takes you...
Posts: 352

Two men and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Budum Chsh! (Drumkit sting)

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Bovine Revolutionary No. 23 || Gater || Serious Manic || Amateur Agony Aunt || Love child of Legolas and Venus

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Old Post 12-01-2002 04:42 PM
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