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dr.taz
Apple Sauce Bitch!

Registered: Sep 2002
Location: Camped out in front of the telly
Posts: 747

how many babies does it take to paint a wall?

depends on how hard you throw them.


how many babies does it take to wallpaper a room?

depends on how thinly you slice them.


what's blue and bright yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?

a baby with deflated armbands.

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Old Post 12-05-2002 02:57 PM
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O'Neill
Spam King since 1983.

Registered: Mar 2002
Location: Edinburgh,UK
Posts: 1687

> Fifteen things to do at Wal-Mart:
>
> 1. Pick up condom packages & randomly put them in peoples carts when
they
> aren't looking.
>
> 2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.
>
> 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
>
> 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code
3
in
> housewares" ...and see what happens.
>
> 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
>
> 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll
> only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
>
> 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why
> can't
> you people just leave me alone?"
>
> 9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while
you
> pick
> your nose.
>
> 10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he
> knows
> where the anti-depressants are.
>
> 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme
from
> 'Mission Impossible.'
>
> 12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different
size
> funnels.
>
> 13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say,
"PICK
> ME!
> PICK ME!!!!!!"
>
> 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
> position and scream, "NO! It's those voices again! Make them go
away!"
>
> and last but not least...
>
> 15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud, "We're out of toilet
paper
> in
> here!"

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Old Post 12-13-2002 06:02 AM
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O'Neill
Spam King since 1983.

Registered: Mar 2002
Location: Edinburgh,UK
Posts: 1687

CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Instructions:
1. Sample the vodka to check quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer.
6. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
7. Add lots of sugar.
8. Beat again.
9. At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
10. Try another cup .... just in case
11. Turn off the mixerer.
12. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowel and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
13. Pick fruit up off floor.
14. Mix on the turner.
15. If the fried druit gets shtuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
16. Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
17. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something...
18. Check the vodka.
19. Now shift the lemon joose and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Greash the oven.
23. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
24. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
25. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick
the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

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Old Post 12-13-2002 10:42 AM
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Tula
Gypsy

Registered: Mar 2002
Location: London
Posts: 237

here's a list with a Christmassy theme

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!

6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!

10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

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Jack: "Wild horses Teal'c"

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Old Post 12-13-2002 11:41 AM
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shiloh
Radix lecti

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: City of Angels
Posts: 1953

The "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program - Everyone Say It With Me...


1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!


2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.


3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.


4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!


5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.


6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail NEVER-EVER!


7) I am not Silly enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!


8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 25 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.


9) The government DOES NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.


10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward a e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!


11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.


12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burst into flame before He picks up a PC to pass it on!


Now forward this on to 10 friends

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Old Post 12-13-2002 04:29 PM
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TheOneKEA
You shot me! DIE!!

Registered: Oct 2002
Location: My house
Posts: 248

My..... God......

I didn't know it was possible to laugh so hard. We are a WEIRD bunch

Here's something that will make you pass out, guaranteed

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey...

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

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"God, I hate those things...."
"Shade? I don't remember shade."

No NUKAGE yet!

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Old Post 12-14-2002 01:30 AM
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shiloh
Radix lecti

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: City of Angels
Posts: 1953

Is that a monkey in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

True story:

On June 13 a guy by the name of Robert Cusak, 45, was stopped by Customs at LA International Airport. When Customs opened up his luggage, an exotic, endangered bird flew out. After finding more birds and 50 protected orchids, the inspectors asked, "Do you have anything else you should tell us about?" Yes, he resonded, "I've got monkeys in my pants." Hidden in his pants he had two loris monkeys, which are about the size of a baseball.


Here's the url:

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/l...es%2Dcalifornia

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Old Post 12-19-2002 04:27 PM
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