schrodinger
the quantum leper
Registered: Feb 2002
Location: England
Posts: 315 |
baggage check
General Hammond began to read yet another report, but felt his mind begin to wander. Even the exploits of the various SG teams became a little monotonous after about twenty in a row. He tried to focus on the task at hand, but to no avail. Deciding he needed a break, he stood up, starting to run his hands through his hair before he realised he no longer had any.
He walked over to the coffee pot, which he secretly called the Enterprise, and poured himself a cup. Looking around to make sure no one was watching, he then reached into the bottom drawer of his filing cabinet, and regarded his secret stash. Snacking on Fruit Roll Ups and Oreos wasn't strictly against protocol, but he preferred keeping his hideaway a secret, especially since he had a feeling that all his food would disappear if left in plain sight.
Holding a bag of Rainbow Chips Ahoy!, he headed back to his desk, and brushed the report aside. It belonged to SG-1, anyhow, and Janet had warned him about his blood pressure. It was probably best that he read it later on. Pulling another file towards him, he bit into a cookie, and began to chew.
The file consisted of personal equipment request and clearance forms from all the SG teams, and had to be approved. Hammond didn't quite understand why it was needed, as he had no doubt that the teams snuck whatever they wanted to take in their backpacks already, but it was a new initiative insisted on in Washington. Someone wanted to know exactly what was going off-world. Sighing, he opened it, and began to read, his eyes becoming slightly glazed.
"Sunblock, razors, soap, condoms, notebooks, combs, CONDOMS?!" He checked the list again, hoping that his eyes had deteriorated horribly. They had not. The sheet still said condoms. Hammond sat still for a moment, fuming, his blood pressure doubling. If Janet had known, she would have been fuming too. Either this was a horrible joke, or someone was seriously violating regulations. Glancing at the list again, he noticed a few other interesting items, such as leg wax, glow-in-the-dark lingerie, and a portable CD player, accompanied by a list of CDs put out by artists he'd never heard of.
"This must be a joke," he muttered to himself, relaxing. "I mean, glow-in-the-dark? And those band names are obviously fake. Who in their right mind would call themselves Finger Eleven? But still..." Suddenly, he remembered his earlier thoughts about the teams sneaking whatever they wanted along, and sat up, eyes widening. SG-1 was about to depart to M4K 3XW, perhaps he should check their baggage before they left. He hurried out of his office, the coffee and cookies forgotten.
***
"Hey. Where's Sam?" Daniel asked, walking into the gateroom. He glanced over at Jack and Teal'c. Jack was pulling on his baseball cap, and Teal'c was motionless.
"Hey. She forgot something, so she went to go get it. She'll be back any second," Jack replied.
"Really? What'd she forget?" Daniel hefted his pack.
"Not sure. Probably some doohickey. Here she comes, you can ask her yourself," Jack replied.
Sam wandered in, oblivious to everyone, singing to herself. "It feels like the first time, that we'd fallen behind... And we faltered too far down, no one could save us..."
Teal'c looked at her oddly. "I do not recall the event of which you are speaking, Major Carter."
"No, it's a song, Teal'c. First Time, by Finger Eleven," she said, laughing.
"I see," Teal'c replied. He wondered, as he had many times before, if the Tau'ri had overthrown the Goa'uld by terrifying them with their eccentricities. At that precise moment, General Hammond rushed into the gateroom, yelling something incoherent.
"What was that, General?" Jack asked, trying not to give his CO a strange look.
"I said," the General tried to say calmly, "I'd like to check all your equipment before you leave. The technicians won't dial out until we're done."
"Ok..." Daniel frowned. "Why?"
"I'd just like to see what's going off-world. Humor me." The SG-1 members gave each other slightly panicked looks, and lowered their packs to the floor. "Teal'c, we'll start with you. Just take everything out, please."
"As you wish, General Hammond," the Jaffa complied, pulling item after item out of his pack and pockets. Everything was fairly standard, but the others were looking distinctly edgy. Hammond began to worry, wondering if this was a good idea. His blood pressure might never recover.
"Your turn, Major." Sam turned white, then green, but opened up her pack, keeping her head down. At first, the contents were fairly mundane, consisting of MREs, and various gadgets. Then it began to get interesting.
"Leg wax, Major? Where in God's name would you wax your legs off-world?! Wait, don't tell me, I don't want to know."
"Why Carter... I never knew," drawled Jack. Sam turned bright red, and flashed him an evil look.
"Don't forget, sir, your turn is coming."
Jack paled slightly, and took a small step back, bumping into Daniel, who had decided to try to hide behind him. Teal'c simply looked on with a fair amount of detached amusement.
Meanwhile, Sam was beginning to make tomatoes jealous, as lingerie, tampons, CDs, and enough chocolate for the entire Air Force, Army, and Navy, as well as the Marines, Coast Guard and Reserves were emptied out onto the floor. Hammond picked up a CD. Apparently, Finger Eleven did exist. He also knew now who had requested the portable CD player.
"Major, would any of the problems SG-1 has had be related to you not hearing over your... music, or not being able to focus from a sugar high?" Sam bit her lip, as he continued, glancing at the lingerie. "And please, don't tell me that those glow in the dark." Hammond sighed. "Ok, Dr. Jackson, let's get this over with."
Daniel blushed slightly, wishing that his hair was still long, so he could hide behind it, and pulled out some books. 'Fairly normal for a linguist, why was he blushing?' Hammond glanced at the title of one, and immediately wished he hadn't. He wasn't aware that the shy archaeologist would read anything so racy. Thinking it would be better for him not to comment, he looked at the other things Daniel was pulling out.
"Caffeine patches, doctor? Care to explain?" He inquired, raising an eyebrow that impressed even Teal'c.
"Well..." Daniel coughed slightly. "I have a little trouble concentrating without coffee, so I use these. They're kinda like nicotine patches."
"Are you implying that you're actually addicted to coffee?"
"Addicted is such a strong word.... Shut up Jack, your turn is next." Jack stopped snickering immediately, and tried to look innocent.
"And it begins immediately, Colonel," Hammond said, hoping that 2IC would be able to set a half-way decent example. Observing the same color changes that he'd witnessed from the Major, he highly doubted it.
"Smackers Cosmic Shower Gel?"
"It smells nice, sir."
"So my granddaughter tells me," the General replied, allowing himself a moment of amusement at the range of crimson in front of him.
"Follicare? Care to explain, Colonel?"
"Yes, sir. It prevents..." Jack's eyes widened slightly, and he trailed off.
"It prevents what?" Hammond asked sharply.
"Hair loss," Jack mumbled, trying to avoid looking at his CO's shiny head. A muffled snort came from the direction of the guards, who'd been trying to watch discretely.
"Crayons? A coloring book? And a copy of 'I Left My Sneakers in Dimension X.'"
"It's a good book, sir. And it's autographed," Jack tried to defend himself.
"Oh, my mistake. That makes it an excellent choice for off-world missions," the General snapped, affixing him with sharp eyes. "The Air Force tends to expect slightly more."
Jack looked down, slightly ashamed. "Sorry, sir," he mumbled.
General Hammond shook his head slightly. "SG-1, gather your things, and prepare to depart. You're behind schedule. I hope you will be more discriminating in what you take off-world in the future." He turned on his heel, and left the gateroom, still holding the book. He smiled to himself, knowing that the Colonel wouldn't stop him. Bruce Coville was his granddaughter's favorite author; she'd love the book. 'Being the General has its advantages,' he thought to himself. 'Even if you do have to deal with slightly unbalanced subordinates.'
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02-17-2002 07:49 PM
