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Queen Lou
I'm singing in the rain..

Registered: May 2002
Location: Fishing
Posts: 452

oops, I copied and pasted a joke and it only showed the end J,K
deleted the post now

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I'd do it with Trek but I'd be thinking of Gate

*waves* hi any real sg people out there, and AT

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Old Post 10-10-2002 03:10 AM
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Jaffa, Kree!
Moderator

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 2928

aww.. try again! i need something else to keep me entertained

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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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Old Post 10-10-2002 03:26 AM
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Venus
Status: Freezing cold

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: England Elvenname: Ainari?l Telr?nya
Posts: 6157

These are some daft things which have been written on Insurance claim forms

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo


"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

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Old Post 10-10-2002 07:55 AM
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O'Neill
Spam King since 1983.

Registered: Mar 2002
Location: Edinburgh,UK
Posts: 1687

Subject: The drunk test
> >
> > THe Drunk Test
> > THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
> >
> >
> >
> > Indubitably
> >
> > Innovative
> >
> > Preliminary
> >
> > Proliferation
> >
> > Cinnamon
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
> >
> >
> >
> > Specificity
> >
> > British Constitution
> >
> > Passive-aggressive disorder
> >
> > Loquacious Transubstantiate
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
> >
> >
> >
> > Thanks, but I don't want to have sex ...
> >
> > Nope, no more booze for me ...
> >
> > Sorry, but you're not really my type ...
> >
> > We really shouldn't be doing this ...
> >
> > It's OK to spill my Pint, I'll just get a fresh one...
> >
> > Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight ...
> >
> > Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing ...
> >
> > Kebab? No thankyou, they are unhealthy...

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Old Post 10-14-2002 01:53 PM
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Kamakazi Casper
Baaaa. Down Sheeba.

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Out keeping the fish in the liffy well fed
Posts: 3588

Everyone in the computer room I'm in now thinks I'm totally insane. I've heard those insurance claims and ways to annoy people a million times but I still can't help laughing

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Virginia was a lot lizard from F.L.A.
She had a compound fracture in the trunk
It started when she ran away, thumbs out on the interstate
She hitched a ride to misery

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Old Post 10-15-2002 10:46 AM
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Venus
Status: Freezing cold

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: England Elvenname: Ainari?l Telr?nya
Posts: 6157

Not really that funny, but I'm cleaning out my inbox...

> A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS:
>
> If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be
> yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
>
> But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your
> food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise
> that you had set it free...... You either married it or gave birth to it.
>
> Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
>
> Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics
> class pulls a hamstring.
>
> Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
> forget where they left them.
>
> One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of chocolates can make a
> woman gain 5 lbs.
>
> My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
>
> The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
>
> The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know
> what you're doing, someone else does.
>
> The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your
> body and your fat are really good friends.
>
> Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
>
> Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness..
>
> I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
> setting my knickers on fire.
>
> Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2
> sizes!
>
> Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like," You
> know, sometimes I just forget to eat." "Now ... I've forgotten my address, my
> mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You
> have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
>
> A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had
> 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
>
> They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
> communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd
> you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a
> bell my body said "Listen witch ... do it and die."
>
> The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and
> then they marry him.
>
> I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating
> too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my
> idea of a perfect day.
>
> Send this to five bright women you know and make their day!!!
>
> Live simply....Laugh often....Love deeply

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Old Post 10-15-2002 12:13 PM
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Goa`uld
Descended God

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: ..?..
Posts: 2619

This thread is..

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Old Post 10-15-2002 12:28 PM
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D?W?R
1st Prime of Apophis

Registered: Oct 2002
Location: Vancouver Canada
Posts: 454

STRANDED


Clinton, Bush and Gore got stranded on an island. They catch a golden fish which gives then 3 wishes. Clinton wishes he's in Vegas sorounded by beautifull girls. Al Gore wishes that he gets elected at least once.

Then Bush says. Dang! I'm bored. Get those 2 back here

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Old Post 10-16-2002 10:21 PM
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MajorSam
The Bad Girl

Registered: Jul 2002
Location: Othala
Posts: 1078

ROFL, i've heard that one b4 dawar, but i still luv it!

Unfortunately, i just delete all my 'joke' e-mails rite after i read em, if i even do, so i don't have any. I had some good ones too, they just took up too much space, and i needed it for all my Stargate related e-mails.

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(BSF) Evil Shipper (lol)
I LOVE AMANDA!!!! add me to MSN: [email protected]
Closest Alli: Sam Fan
BSF
HRADP!!!

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Old Post 10-16-2002 10:49 PM
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president doc
Moderator

Registered: Oct 2001
Location: London.
Posts: 6137

I no longer read joke emails.

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God, Ive become such a fatty

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Old Post 10-16-2002 11:02 PM
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Queen Lou
I'm singing in the rain..

Registered: May 2002
Location: Fishing
Posts: 452

The Washington Post Style Invitation postulated that English should havemale and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to a nounof their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:

________________________________________


ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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I'd do it with Trek but I'd be thinking of Gate

*waves* hi any real sg people out there, and AT

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Old Post 11-16-2002 01:30 AM
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_.:?nubis:._
Man of less sorrow

Registered: Sep 2002
Location: Apologising to all the members who i called idiots.
Posts: 843

Email jokes just fill my bloody hotmail and i have to go the the trouble of deleting them but my sister has lots of funny ones about chicks, strangely enough.

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I'm sorry if recently i called u an idiot or other likewise word that gives the same meaning.

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Old Post 11-16-2002 01:36 AM
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missile
i said peanuts

Registered: Feb 2002
Location: Leeds, England
Posts: 277

WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED FROM PORN:

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women make noise..
11. People in the 70's couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the
background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl
isn't
disgusted).
16. Double penetration makes a woman smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the
boyfriend doesn't knock the shit out of you if you shove your cock in his
girlfriends mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a
gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches....or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her
to "suck it".
26. Assholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and
find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on
the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other
proudly on his hip.


its back up

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Old Post 11-19-2002 11:19 AM
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Kactus
Junior Member

Registered: Apr 2002
Location: Omnipresent
Posts: 15

Thanks very much for this thread. Five weeks out of bladder surgery I'm back to square one. Cheers guys!!!

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Kactus
Always to the point

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Old Post 11-19-2002 02:00 PM
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missile
i said peanuts

Registered: Feb 2002
Location: Leeds, England
Posts: 277

NO PROBS mate

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Old Post 11-19-2002 02:36 PM
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