Skip
VAE VICTIS
Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Tara, land of dreams
Posts: 317 |
Panto 4: Goldilocks and the Three Whumps
Title: Goldilocks And The Three Bears.
Author: Skip.
Email: [email protected]
Category: Humour, Panto.
Rating: U, though you have to enjoy infantile prattling. Some Danny whumpin? (comic) and cross dressing (just read it!)
Series: No.
Sequel: Part of Panto Fics. Sort of sequel to ?Doctor Who?? and ?Little Red Baseball Cap?.
Comments: Ok, I?m sad, I know. Humour me. Contact me! I have nothing better to do (what about your Physics homework and Classic Civ. Coursework?)- Shut up! This is more fun!
Season/Spoilers: Not really. Cassandra?s in it.
Disclaimer: No, they aren?t mine. Neither is the Lumberjack song. I?ll get Dr. Frasier to put them right before I return them. Stargate SG-1 and all it?s characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was not written for any financial gain and no copyright was intentionally infringed.
Goldilocks And The Three Bears.
Jack: NO!
Sam: You?re going to have to. After you?ve finished, you can exact your revenge on Daniel.
Jack: But?
Sam: Think, nice, big sticks?.
Jack: OK, but only because I get to see him in a dress.
Daniel: Jack!
Jack: Only fair, Danny-boy, only fair.
To the tune of Monty Python?s ?I?m a Lumberjack.?
Jack: I?m air-force Jack
And I?m OK,
I gate all night
And I work all day.
SG-1: He?s air-force Jack
And he?s OK,
He gates all night
And he sleeps all day.
Jack: I sleep under trees,
MREs for lunch,
Get sent to purgatory
Every time I start talking
And have buttered scones for tea.
SG-1: He?s air-force Jack
And he?s OK,
He snores all night
And complains all day.
Jack: I moan about trees.
I skip and jump (this is going too far!)
I like to press wild flowers,
I put on women?s clothing
And hang around in bars.
SG-1: He moans about trees,
He skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers,
He puts on women?s clothing
And hangs around in bars!
He?s air-force Jack
And he?s OK,
He watches hockey all night,
And he fishes all day.
Jack: I moan about trees, (think of Daniel in a dress)
I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra,
I wish I?d been a girlie,
Just like my dear papa. (too far, oh man, you are sooo gonna die!)
SG-1: He moans about trees,
Wears high heels?
Suspendies? and a bra?!
?He?s air-force Jack
And he?s O K A Y
He jokes all night
And he jokes all day?. Etc.
Sam: Well, that was? different.
Jack: Rubs his hands evily. Oh man Space Monkey! You are gonna pay dearly!
Daniel: Help!
Jack: There was once a little girl called Goldilocks, who wore a little frilly, sticky-out dress with plenty of lace and a corset.
Daniel: Jack! This is painful!
Jack: He had long, blond hair with lots of ribbons in it. Pink ribbons.
Sam: I think you?re enjoying this waaayy too much, sir.
Jack: Hey, I had to wear suspenders!
Teal?c: And a bra.
Jack: Winces Don?t remind me. So, this bratty little girl went for a walk in the woods. Go on, Goldy! Skip and sing!
Daniel: Lah, lah lah. Sings quietly and skips small steps.
Jack: I can?t hear you!
Daniel: LAH, LAH, LAH! Loud enough?
Jack: Oh, yeah. So, there was these three bears, Daddy Bear:
Teal?c: Greetings.
Jack: Mummy Bear:
Sam: Hello.
Jack: And Baby Bear.
Cassie: Hi!
Daniel: Hi Cassie!
Sam: Do I really have to wear this bear suit?
Jack: Yes, I sang the song. Might I add that it looks very nice on you Carter?
Sam: You might?
Daniel: Come on guys! This corset really hurts!
Jack: So the bears were eating porridge, which Mummy Bear had cooked, but seeing as they were MREs, she didn?t spoil them much.
Sam: Gee, thanks!
Jack: You?re welcome. Seeing as it was taking so long, Daddy Bear lent a hand.
Teal?c: Here, my staff weapon will heat the porridge much faster.
Jack: Unfortunately the porridge was now too hot, so they went for a walk.
Teal?c: We will go for a walk.
Jack: Oh, thanks Teal?c!
Teal?c: You are welcome, O?Neill.
Sam: He was being sarcastic, Teal?c. Come on Cassie, let?s take the dog for a walk.
Jack: Bears have dogs? So the bratty kid, who wouldn?t do as his CO said, skipped into this big old house. Humming all the way.
Daniel: Ra, Hathor, Her?ur?
Jack: What was that?
Daniel: I used to sing it as a kid.
Jack: You really were messed up! Don?t you think it?s a bit inappropriate?
Daniel: Sorry.
Jack: He saw the three bowls of porridge and tried the big bowl first. It was a really big bowl and the porridge was really hot.
Daniel: Gee thanks! I really burnt myself!
Jack: You?re welcome. Now, Mummy Bear experiments with liquid thingamabob?.
Sam: Nitrogen.
Jack: Whatever. So he tried this bowl and it was really cold. I mean serious sub-zero.
Sam: You really did upset him.
Daniel: Mmmmm.
Sam: What?
Teal?c: It appears that Daniel Jackson?s lips are stuck together.
Jack: Oh goody! No more culture speeches!
Sam: Are we going to finish the story with his lips frozen together?
Jack: Can we?
Hammond: No, I?m sorry but you need him to speak in a minute.
Jack: Dammit! So he eats Cassie?s porridge and blah-di-blah-di-blah. Then he sees three chairs, and goes to sit on Daddy Bear?s. Unfortunately, it was too high and he fell to the floor.
Daniel: Ouch! That wasn?t in the story!
Jack: Is now. When he gets there, it is a really uncomfortable orthopaedic chair, like those we have in the briefing rooms.
Daniel: My back!
Jack: He falls out again and tries Mummy Bear?s chair. This one is very soft and he is almost suffocated by it.
Daniel: Mmmmffff!
Jack: He falls out again and sits on Cassie?s chair. Seeing as he is a big girl, he breaks the chair and gets lots of splinters.
Sam: Oooohhh! You can be really nasty!
Jack: You know how painful suspenders and bras can be!
Sam: Yeah?
Teal?c: I agree.
Sam: Teal?c?
Teal?c: It was in another pantomime.
Sam: Dr. Fraiser is really gonna have her hands full. She?s not gonna like you.
Jack: So Goldy goes up the stairs, as he is very tired.
Daniel: Jack? I can?t move!
Jack: Take him upstairs and throw him on the nail bed.
Daniel: Aaarrrggh! How come Teal?c has a nail bed?
Teal?c: To aid in meditation.
Jack: And after that, no, we?ll miss your bed out Carter, he?s passed out. Put him on the hospital bed. You know, the one we always carry in case of emergencies.
Frasier: What have you been up to now? You?re not even off world! Colonel, can?t I trust you to look after him for five minutes?
Jack: Ummm?
Frasier: Look! All Cassie?s food is gone! And you broke her chair! Can?t you look after her properly?
Jack: But Doc!
Frasier: Don?t you ?But Doc? me! Hits him repeatedly with a chair leg. You can come and help in the med-bay. Sam, look after Cassie for me, I?ve got to deal with these two kids.
Sam: Come on Teal?c, it?s past her bedtime. Next time we do a Panto, I?m narrating, I?m fed up with those two prattling on.
Cassie: Sam, why is Uncle Daniel wearing a dress?
THE END.
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SKIP'S FIC! New WIP Archive, made by little old me!My Livejournal- warning, not G rated.
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